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Archive for the ‘Humor/Satire’ Category

Stupid Spam (my favorite luncheon meat)

Monday, June 14th, 2010

Spammers suck. I chose those two words to open with, because now I’ll get tons of spam written by spammers trying to pass themselves off as persons who agree with me. To date my anti-spam filter has intercepted 995 spam comments to TheDarkEagle.com. To celebrate, I’ve decided to respond to some of the more creative and ridiculous comments I have received.

Laundry basket guide in response to:  ”The Carver’s Daughter”
…Really cool! I assist your view!…

Chris: Yes, and you also assist my daily chores.

SAMSUNG Widescreen LCD HDTV in response to:  ”Life’s A Game”
Ohio, what a good evil plan to get followers. And I like it

Chris: Mississippi, glad you like it. What plan?

Kipu Mo in response to:  ”Brain Helmet 2000″
Great tips, these are useful and this site rocks especially for beginners like myself…

Chris: Hey, no problem. Anytime you need more tips on how to defend yourself from zombies using protective helmets coated in imitation brain matter. Let me know. I’m full of ideas.

nisim international in response to:  ”Hello Jones”
Wow! Thank you! I always wanted to write in my site something like that. Can I take part of your post to my hair removal service blog?

Chris: Sure, you can take the part where the bullies punch Boris in the stomach. I can see how that would help you remove unwanted hair.

motorcycle accessories in response to:  ”Last Aria”
Sorry…I wanted to make a comment a while ago. I believe that it is reasonable. Keep up the fantastic work. I’ll be back soon

Chris: That’s OK Motorcycle Accessories. I think wanting to make a comment awhile ago is very reasonable. Please don’t worry. I’ll keep up the fantastic work and wait for your return.

Adrienne Coldiron in response to:  ”Ranger Six”
hehe ok so this is just how stupid I am, halfway through reading through your post I accidentally dropped my mouse and shut down the internet explorer in error and I could not locate your website again until 6 days later to finish reading through from the point i stopped at because I forgot how I linked here to begin with lol anyway it was worth the delay..many thanks

Chris: hehe ok so this is just how stupid I am, halfway through reading this spam comment I accidentally dropped my mouse and shut down the power to half the known world in error and I could not locate the power grid again until 6 days later to restore power and finish reading you spam from the point I stopped because I forgot how stupid you are and was also out of mouthwash so had to go to the pharmacy to get some more lol anyway it was worth forgetting punctuation..many welcomes.

Lazy susan guide in response to:  ”-Splat- (it’s not what you think)”
I believed that was extremeley interesting. Thank you to the unusual details. I’ll retain pursuing this….

Chris: I used to think things were extremeley interesting too. Then I remembered there is no such word as extremeley. I’ll let the unusual details know you said thank you. They’ll be pleased you mentioned them. I have a feeling you’ll be retaining pursuing this for a while. Sort of like how you retain water. I believed I was interested in lazy-susans, but the doctors helped me.

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I hope you got a kick out of some of these. Let me know and I’ll post some more. What are some of the spam comments you’ve received on your blogs?

The Collector

Friday, April 16th, 2010

Robert dragged the chair across the kitchen floor and admonished himself for sleeping late. He had to hurry. His mother could awaken any moment to put a stop to his plan. His thoughts raced back to yesterday’s conversation.

“No Robert, you’ll just have to wait till it falls out on its own. I’ll not have you ruin an entire box of cereal with your hands.”

“I’ve washed my hands; they’re clean.”

“No, now that’s the end of it.”

“But-”

“No buts! Now hand me the box.”

A loud dragging brought him back to the present as it echoed through the house. He cursed himself for not paying attention. He couldn’t blow this by being careless. He had to pull this off now or face another day’s wait. Everything pointed to the prize being at the very bottom of the box. Waiting wasn’t an option; he needed it today. He had to know if he would be the first in his class to collect the rarest prize.

Robert’s fingers barely reached the box as he stood on tip-toes atop the rickety kitchen chair. He paused to listen for his mum. The snores had stopped which meant she was probably in the bathroom. He had less than a minute to retrieve the prize. He ran to the table and smiled at his brilliance. No time to open the box slowly, he had to do it before she stopped him.

The bathroom door opened. In seconds she would be within eye sight of the kitchen table, she’d see him for sure. It was now or never. He tipped the entire box of cereal over.

“Robert! What are you doing?”

“I just wanted the prize.”

“Well now you’ve ruined the entire-” She stopped when she saw what he had done. “Well, Robert, that’s a fine solution, using my mixing bowl to hold all the cereal. Well done.”

Robert smiled and carefully took the prize packet from the top of the pile. He knew he had to clean up before she would allow him to open the brown paper packet. The slow careful pour of from the mixing bowl into the box seemed to take forever.

At last he was able to examine his prize. He picked the packet up and rolled it around in his fingers trying to make out the general shape. It didn’t seem to feel like the others. His heart fluttered as he tore into the packet.

“YES!”

All the waiting and planning had paid off. Robert raced from the kitchen to his room, burst through the door and threw himself into his chair. He gazed lovingly at his prized collection of wildlife statuettes meticulously arranged on the shelf by his window. His eyes fell instinctively to the empty spot. He imagined himself museum curator as he placed his new acquisition amongst his collection. Panda, Kodiak, Polar and now Grisly; the first in school to have all the bears. Nothing to do now but wait for Monday morning and announce his discovery to the world.

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This week’s story was inspired by the [fiction]Friday prompt at WriteAnything. “While digging in a cereal box for the toy surprise, a child makes a grisly discovery”. I hope you had fun reading it.

Deceptions and Aliens

Thursday, February 4th, 2010

Author’s Note: I’ve decided to go back to posting a few #fridayflash pieces based on prompts from the totally awesome WriteAnything.com. This week’s prompt: “Pick a book of fiction you’d never read (e.g., if you read sci-fi, pick a romance). Open to a random page and read the last couple paragraphs of the page. DO NOT TURN THE PAGE. Now continue writing the story. Feel free to change the genre as you write.”

Ready? Strap in.

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From the novel “Deceptions” by Judith Michael
Copyright 1982 by JM Productions Ltd.
Page 321

“Garth removed the ivory combs in her hair and the heavy waves fell over her shoulders, bronze in the dim light. He looked at her slender body and passed his hands along the clear, silken skin as if he had never seen it before. Her ripe fullness lifted toward him, her head high and proud as he gazed at her. I am a part of us, her eyes said, and my beauty is greater because you desire me.

Once again he gathered her into his arms, her softness curving against the muscles of his arms and stomach and legs, the warmth of her body merging into his. They held each other, treasuring their desire, for now they knew it would be fulfilled. At last he bent his-”
head away from hers. Thank God, she thought. Another second and his breath would have knocked me out. Inter-species breeding was still new and apparently there were still some kinks to be worked out. That’s OK, she thought chuckling to herself. I have some kinks of my own that need sorting first.

“Why are you laughing?” asked Garth. His smoldering eyes searched her voluptuous body for answers.

“It’s just I’ve never seen eyes actually smolder before,” said Katherine. “In my world it’s a horrible cliché.” She bit her lip. The last thing she wanted was to insult him, especially now. In his current state of full arousal he could accidentally kill her.

“I’m sorry,” he said climbing off her.

“Please don’t leave.” She grabbed one of his eight arms and pulled him back on top of her. “I find the smell quite pleasurable. It turns me on.”

She lifted her head to his and kissed his lips, tasting the warmth of smoked Gouda as her tongue explored the depths of his mouth.

“Oh Garth,” she whispered, her lips brushing his antennae. They lay entwined on the hotel bed, Garth’s full weight pressed upon her.

“Garth,” she breathed, pounding her fists against his back and the bed. “Garth,” she moaned, it was barely audible. “GARTH!”

“Oh dear Jebbus!” he exclaimed shifting his weight off her. “How clumsy of me to forget you don’t have an exoskeleton.” Katherine lay panting on the bed. “Did I hurt you? Should we stop?”

No you didn’t hurt me and no we shouldn’t stop,” she said tracing her long slender finger down his thorax toward his groin. “It’s been too long since I’ve had something between my legs that wasn’t plugged into the wall.”

Then in an surprising turn of events the reader didn’t see coming she devoured him and thought his leftovers tasted better the second day.

Author’s note Redux: See, this is why I have no business writing romance. And by the way books from the ‘free’ table at the annual library book sale aren’t always worth it.