A Letter of Caution

I remember my grandfather telling stories of how he started this company. Especially the day he made his world changing discovery. It took him a solid year just to get his colleagues to accept his findings and release the results of his work to the public. Initially the idea of mixing vegetable and animal DNA was dismissed as a hoax and my grandfather was labeled a quack. His idea was inspired. For hundreds of years man had been raising domesticated animals in parts of the world where natural vegetation failed to thrive. By taking the genetic parts of animals which allowed them to survive in drought conditions and genetically splicing that trait to vegetables, they were able to create a viable, sustainable and delicious food product.

There was considerable debate and opposition as you may imagine. Religious communities declared the idea blasphemy. Farmers said it would make them destitute. His argument to the religious communities was simply that God placed this knowledge in front of us and he used it. He wasn’t playing God; he was simply using God’s ingredients. Everything about it was natural, no pesticides needed and it grew great without chemical fertilizers. That last part was a huge barrier too. Major companies have lots of money to pay lobbyists and lobbyists are experts at creating problems for new products. A major fertilizer manufacturer declared bankruptcy in the end, effectively putting an end to the capitalist fueled opposition. The government started showing farmers how to change their growing practices. That allowed farms to stay viable. Finally, an independent scientific research facility proved that our vegetables would extend the average human life by about 30 years. So after 75 years of trials, debates and laws, my grandfather’s technologies were finally accepted and this company was formed. Production flew into top gear and soon the entire world was eating our hybrid veggies. Man entered into a new age.

The world’s population flourished. For about 236 years. Our plants were so resistant to insects that the insects began dying. Big deal we thought until birds, who eat the bugs, also started dying out. Non altered trees started disappearing because there were no insects or birds to carry seeds. Oxygen levels started to dip and carbon monoxide levels grew. It was a domino effect on the eco-system. The temperature began to rise and every thing started dying out. Insects, birds, trees, livestock, humans, all started dwindling. Then our rivers and lakes began to shrink. One by one life as we knew it started to fade.

The countries of the world finally had a reason to work together. They had to, and fast. Quick thinking and rapid response saved us from almost total decimation of the planet. Years ago some forward thinking botanists had begun storing every seed known to man in a secret location somewhere in the Antarctic. It was a simple matter of duplicating the virgin seeds and splicing the animal DNA. A Geneva scientist filled in the last piece of the puzzle by discovering a way to turn carbon monoxide back into oxygen, thus rendering trees unnecessary. We were saved. Or so we thought.

History tells us of a sickness called “the flu”. Parents tell their children about it to scare them. It’s an incurable disease that can cause death and is spread by human contact. Supposedly doctors would have to guess how the flu would manifest each year and try to develop medicine to stop its spread. The common cold and the flu were eradicated by a lucky fringe benefit provided by our lovely vegetables.

What my grandfather didn’t know. What he couldn’t have known 250 years ago when he first discovered that animal and vegetable DNA could be spliced together was that the flu was directly tied into animal DNA. Over the years the hybrid plants evolved becoming more animal than vegetable. They began cultivating a rudimentary version of the flu. The flu is a virus and a virus is extremely prolific. Given enough time it adapts in ways that insure survival. My grandfather discovered that bovine DNA proved the most compatible with vegetable DNA and so pigs became the animal of choice when developing our new plants. Pig DNA is close to human DNA and over the course of 250 years the flu jumped species. “Swine Flu”, as it came to be known, quickly turned into a pandemic of epic proportions. The vaccination procedure taken from our ancestors was barbaric. They would infect people with the flu so their immune systems could learn how to fight it. That way when they contracted the virus for real, their body would already know what it needed to do. Unfortunately for us we didn’t have that luxury.

To future generations, if there are any, please learn from our mistake. We thought that we weren’t playing God; we were simply using his ingredients and improving on his designs. We were wrong. Man was never meant to create life. In the end however, we discovered we were very adept at destroying it.

Coming To America

My Darling Isabella,

Our captain, Christopher Columbus is a blithering idiot. In the time we have sailed I have not seen him make a single decision that could be even remotely construed as smart. How he convinced the royal court to fund this exploration is beyond my comprehension. I’m beginning to think my beloved Queen sent him off in hopes that he may never return. Despite my many attempts to convince him that he has indeed discovered new lands, he continues to insist we have landed in the Indies. I have proved his calculations regarding the circumference of the Earth are incorrect by approximately 7600 miles, yet he refuses to face the obvious, choosing instead to ignore the facts and mulishly push forward.

After many months at sea, we made landfall in the new land. Columbus pig headedly insists this is the West Indies. The Natives, whom we call Indians, having never seen ships the likes of ours, thought the small trinkets we carried came from the gods. Textiles fascinate them, so our captain decided to leave them with all the blankets that were used to cover our dead crew members. Unfortunately for the Indians those particular crew members died from small pox. Balance seems to have been restored since several of the crew have contracted syphilis.

Our idiot captain demanded we scour the land for treasure. We brought back quite a bit of new and exciting plant species that would, with proper cultivation yield Spain, many riches. I personally have discovered a new type of grape that appears to grow in most soils. Columbus, narrow mindedly, decided that we should only concentrate on gold, jewels and spices. I would be inclined to agree, if not for the fact that there simply isn’t any treasure here. Yet more proof of his miscalculations. As with everything else it is summarily ignored.

We have put back to sea to return to Spain. We are basically returning empty handed. Columbus still thinks we made land fall on the West Indies and quite frankly I am tired of trying to convince him otherwise. I have decided to requisition a lifeboat just before we return and partition my Queen to allow me to lead a return voyage. I believe I can make a strong case based on my botanical drawings alone. One fact is certain, should I be granted leave to return I will take credit for discovering the new land.

It has been a while since I have had a chance to continue this letter. In that time I have hatched a cunning plan. Tonight I will attempt a daring escape. I’ll wait until early morning to slip over the rail and lower the lifeboat. I should make landfall by noon the next day. I pray the tides are with me.

Dear God that man is a complete ninny. I was caught making my escape by a crewman in the crows nest. The captain declared my act mutinous. I was sentenced to be set adrift in a lifeboat. I almost feel bad for him. I shall await you at the royal court.

Your servant,

Amerigo Vespucci.