Comments on: The Warden

By: karen from mentor

karen from mentor — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 01:21:06 +0000

I’m a sucker for that ear thing too, and I like to do it, so I was hooked right away.

My only critique would be that his speech patterns seemed forced…at first I thought he was drunk but then I realized that you wanted him to sound rough. I think that he could sound rough and tumble without having to sound country.

I actually liked him. And I liked the story a lot. Looking forward to see what you do with it. I see him in a hat. [and he likes bubblebaths....]

Karen :0)

By: CJ

CJ — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 17:48:19 +0000

Voting Yea – I like him for all the reasons listed in previous comments. I think he worked great for this piece because he’s in a bar and talkin tough with bar folk, making me think that isn’t all there is to this guy and to give him some latitude. Obviously, he has a softer side because he bought Claire a replacement ring – in bar speak he countered the possible romantic aspect by throwing in some macho “got me laid” stuff, but it was still a nice thing to do. If he was as gauche as some find him, I doubt he would have done much more than made a rough pass at her. Anyhoo – I like him.

By: Stephen

Stephen — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 14:37:37 +0000

I like the voice of this character. I think he might be a good fit for a short story (if he’s the MC) or as a secondary, comic-relief character in a larger piece. Too much of him wouldn’t work for a novel. As far as a name, I recommend you avoid the cliché by giving him a double name like Billy Bob or Jimmy Joe. You might give him something more sophisticated, like Xavier or Alexander, to create some intereseting back story as the name clearly wouldn’t fit the character. Just a suggestion.

Thanks for sharing.

By: Eric J. Krause

Eric J. Krause — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 06:10:19 +0000

Good story. I think with some backstory and redeeming qualities, this guy could be leading character material. He comes off a bit brash here, but with more words to work with, he could be a good one.

By: Shannon Esposito

Shannon Esposito — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 02:54:37 +0000

Well, he’s definitely amusing! I was a bit confused at the end that he had powers, only because he seems like such an uneducated guy. I don’t mean that in the traditional sense, I mean like if he was “special” than wouldn’t he have been around the world enough to gain some culture and be a bit more suave? BUT, if he just gained these powers recently by some fluke, that would explain it. I do like that he has these powers, just not sure it meshes with his character. Hope I explained that right. I do think you have something here.

By: admin

admin — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:17:18 +0000

Thanks Jon. I agree he’ll have no problems making enemies.

By: J. M. Strother

J. M. Strother — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 02:48:31 +0000

I can see him as a main character. I do think in a longer piece you’ll need to let readers get under the hood, show his motivations and nuances, but for a introductory character study this worked well.

The switheroo at the end was a fun turn of events. This guy will make lots of enemies, so there should be plenty of story in him.
~jon

By: admin

admin — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 18:16:05 +0000

Thank you mazzz. I’m not 100% on his origin just yet or exactly how the magic is going to work in this world. I like the surname idea – kinds a adds some mystery about him. BTW Leeds Castle is one of my favorite castles, though I haven’t been for about 9 years. Thanks for commenting.

By: admin

admin — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 18:10:22 +0000

Thanks Kate. Brom is a cool name and wouldn’t Bruce Campbell be outstanding in that role.

By: mazzz_in_Leeds

mazzz_in_Leeds — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 17:07:48 +0000

I like him.
I see him as the “working class” person who ended up as a wizard/magic-powered person by accident or through trickery of some sort (for surely they only accept the upper echelons of society into their ranks?!)
Well, the short piece was enough to give me a very clear picture of this fellow.

I think he should be referred to by his surname, which should be something like Jones or Smith – in the sense that it could have been anyone…