Of Panties and Pirates

I’m over thinking it. I’m sure she has a perfectly good reason for hiding a gun in her room. I can’t ask her because she’ll want to know what I was doing pawing around in her underwear drawer. Oh hell. I swallow my courage and go for broke.

“Jessie, can I ask you something and you not get upset?”

“I’m sure you could ask me many things and I wouldn’t get upset.”

She’s kind of sexy when she pulls that crap.

“You know what I mean.”

“It’s a loaded question isn’t it?” she asks and shoots me a flirty smile. “If I say yes and the question genuinely pisses me off, I’m screwed.” She puts her hands on her hip and juts it out to the side as if to say go ahead and ask, if you dare.

“What are you doing with a gun?”

“What gun?”

I pull the snub-nose from the small of my back and show it to her. She looks miffed.

“I’m pretty sure that one was in my underwear drawer.”

“Yeah, I found it while stealing a pair of your panties.” I pull a black and purple thong from my back pocket and hold it up next to the gun. She reaches out and snatches the tiny garment from my grasp. I’m kind of shocked at her speed.

“I assure you these are much deadlier than that little pea shooter.” She lets the silky fabric slide down her long outstretched finger. “You can keep that if you like, not nearly as fun to sniff but handier in a fight.”

She chuckles a bit as she seductively twirls her underwear for a second then slowly unzips her shirt. She leans in for a kiss. Everything about her turns me on. She has the softest lips.

Captain Onus,” The damn pilot picks the worst possible time to interrupt. “Sensors have picked up a ship on intercept course.” Damn.

“Duty calls,” she says. She reaches over and hits the door button then steps aside so I can leave first. She makes a show of zipping up her shirt as I walk past. She smacks me on the ass as she passes me in the hall on the way to the bridge. Actually it’s more of a cockpit than bridge. It’s really no more than a bunch of controls and a couple seats in the front of her ship. I watch her climb into her chair. Her pants cling to her like second skin.

“What do we have?”

The ship to ship com answers her question. “Attention trader vessel. You are targeted. Power down and prepare to be boarded.

My stomach flips as visions of a gruesome death form in my head.

“Power down and lets get to the air lock,” says Jessie. “We don’t want to give them any reasons to attack. If we do what they want it will be over quick and no one gets hurt.”

“Are you serious?” I ask. “We’re just going to roll over and let them pirate us?”

“These are Gordon’s men. I’ve dealt with them before. They’re kind of like a big dog humping your leg. Annoying, but it’s best to let them finish.”

I don’t like it but it’s her ship. The three of us leave the bridge and head to the cargo area to await the boarding party. It takes about five minutes for the pirates to maneuver and dock and another two before the airlocks pressurize. The door swings open and two men spill onto the ship, guns ready.

“Hello lovelies. You know how this works. I stand here with this big gun pointed at your heads while Carl here, helps improve your fuel economy by lightening your load.”

“Good one, Earl,” Carl laughs. He’s probably heard that joke a hundred times before. He shoves his gun in his pants and gets to work stealing Jessie’s cargo. It’s slow going. My legs are getting tired from standing so I lean against the wall. The little snub-nose pokes me in my back. I mindlessly stuffed it in my pants after the intercom put an end to my extracurricular activities. If I screw this up we’re all dead. Maybe I should just forget it and-.

Halfway through my thought the lummox Carl drops a shipping container on his foot causing Earl to turn around and see what’s going on. I have the gun out before any semblance of rational thought can stop me. I fire a shot and hit Carl in the back of the head. Adrenaline gets in the way of my second shot which merely grazes Earl’s cheek.

Jessie seizes the opportunity to attack Earl. They’re locked in a deadly embrace. I don’t have clear shot. The melee ends and it’s an old fashioned stand off. I have my gun pointed at Earl and he has his arm around Jessie’s neck with his gun against her temple.

“God damn it, you killed Carl!” His eyes are wild and blood is streaming from the newly formed trench in his cheek, courtesy of my duffed shot. “Drop it or your girlfriend dies.”

I’m stuck. There’s no way out of it. I start to lower my gun knowing full well I’m a dead man. It’s been a good life; I only hope I buy Jessie enough time to do something once he takes his shot.

Jessie doesn’t like that plan. Instead she throws her head backward. Her skull collides with his nose. It’s a terrible sound. She spins around him and somehow manages to wrap something around his neck. It doesn’t take long for Earl to run out of air. She pushes him away as he slumps to the floor.

She looks over at me and shakes her head. She holds up her purple and black thong and shoots me another one of those flirty smiles.

“Told ya these are deadly.”

24 thoughts on “Of Panties and Pirates

  1. Well played. Like the narrator, in the heat of the moment I forgot about the panties. Love the fact that you double bluff ‘showing the gun’ here. The panties were ‘the gun’ (in story structure terms). Never imagined I’d be typing that sentence into a comment box. 🙂

  2. Great story Chris. Loved the dialog, loved the pacing. Loved the interplay between the characters.

    I can’t believe that dan wrote the panties were the gun…and I laughed at Laura saying it was rousing fun…. hey that rhymed….

    [I’m sick btw…please excuse me..lol]

  3. Loved it! Really liked how it wasn’t immediately apparent which genre the story was from. Jessie is a great character, I wouldn’t want to mess with her! 😉

  4. BadASS chicks RULE! I want to be one in my next life. Wish me luck!

    I missed your stories! Sorry I have been away. I will try to catch up and be a better friend.


  5. Pingback: Magenta Monster » Blog Archive » Other Flasher’s Stories

  6. I had no idea what to expect from a title containing two normally unrelated nouns at near opposites in my everyday passing thoughts. Great introduction, and I find the title fits very well.

    Pretty protagonist pummels pirate with purple pantie.

  7. Late here – but hell, thought it would read so I could get the ‘joke’ in the next installment.

    I like the pace and the laconic tone of the narrative. Inventive way to die and your narrator has balls – actually admitting to lifting the g-string in the first place 🙂

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