-Splat- (it’s not what you think)

Author’s note: My esteemed editor, Jodi Cleghorn asked me to write a story called “Splat” and dedicate it to her. So, Jodi, this one’s for you, though I bet you wish it weren’t.


So far it’s been one hell of a day. I mean who would have ever thought so much crap could happen to one person in only 24 hours. It all started this morning when my alarm clock didn’t go off. Apparently the power was cut off to my apartment after some drunk driver plowed through a stop sign and sent a family sedan into a utility pole. So now I’m late getting up but somehow manage to get out the door. No problem, if I drive fast enough I can still make my meeting. But no, luck shat on me again. I’m on the freeway making good time when traffic slows to a crawl because apparently, there’s a five car pile up. And according to the radio one of the cars is on fire with several people trapped inside. There goes any chance of my making the meeting.

So now I’m out of a job but maybe it’s all for the best. My supervisor’s a dick and I’m getting bored with calculating statistical probabilities anyway. I take the first exit I can and leave my crap-box Ford in the first parking lot I find. I may as well head downtown and grab a bite to eat, grab a paper and see what’s available in the help wanted ads. But before I can even get to my favorite Korean bar-b-que, the apartment building next to me catches on fire. I’m about to walk on past, thinking it’s got nothing to do with me, when all of a sudden I hear a woman screaming my name. So naturally I look up. It’s some woman I don’t recognize. I turn to walk away and hear her scream “Hepmabebe”

I’m tying to figure out what she’s screaming, thinking it must be some French word for help, when she tosses something out the window. So now here I am, hungry, no job, and now there’s a baby mystery bundle hurtling towards me at an alarming rate. Why does this always happen to me.

If he catches the baby turn to page 47 or, turn to page 81 if you want the rapidly descending object to be a bag of cash.
Please seek immediate psychological help if you want the story to live up to its name.

20 thoughts on “-Splat- (it’s not what you think)

  1. First of all, your title is HILARIOUS.

    As is the rest of the piece…

    Hepmabebe does sound like French. Hah!

    Loved this!

    Now *turning to page 81, because stories with babies become too sugary, and who doesn’t like a bag of cash*

  2. Bravo Chris… oh you know me too well! Us fellow lovers of Choose Your Own Adventure books have got to stick together. This is fantastic and from memory you even pegged that ‘shat off’ voice that a lot of the books had.

    I reckon we should start writing one of these adventures together… with different links through to different pages… (just because neither of us have enough to do already!)

    Oh oh oh… where to start.

    My only comment is to turn the baby into a rapidly descending bundle from the window – that way when you get to choose – it can either be a baby or a bag of money! And the final line is a very nice touch.

    Thanks for dedicating a story to me… let’s hope neither of us goes ‘splat’ this year 🙂

  3. *turning to page 47 because I’m a Mum and the idea a baby might not be saved is too much for me*

    and suggesting: turn to page 65 if your stomach rumbling overides any interest in the burning window and falling bundle. Korean Bar-B-Que is the only flame on your mind.

  4. Pingback: This Week’s Fiction Line Up | Chinese Whisperings

  5. I loved those books as a kid too. They even got my brother into reading.

    I love the way the ‘English’ language is diverging. Where you say plowed, we say ploughed. Bar-b-que, barbecue, etc. Although CYOA is totally universal and apparently your readers all loved them!

    I choose p.47 too 🙂

  6. I was getting very annoyed at this guy for being incredibly and disgustingly self-involved, so I was happy with the twist at the end. Very creative! I could see a CYOA story project going viral on Twitter or with the #fridayflash writers. I think you’re on to a fantastic idea. I think Hepmabebe IS a French word! Great work, Chris! ~ Olivia

  7. Thank you all for your comments. I had no idea there were so many fans of CYOA books. Jodi and I are excitedly planning a CYOA story and we will keep everyone who is interested in the loop.

  8. I’d say choose the bag o’ money, but with the way his luck is going in this story, he’d be charged with robbery, so better make it the baby and hope for the best.

    Well written, by the way. The CYOA ending brought back many happy memories from childhood. I had a ton o’ those books.

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