Brain Helmet 2000

Another Friday is upon us. Time for more #fictionfriday and #fridayflash. I have been sick this past week and it has certainly affected my writing. Today’s piece is a bit of Horror/comedy because it’s no fun being serious all the time. You have been warned. Enjoy.


“Let’s be honest, it’s almost impossible to identify a loved one after they’ve been eaten by a zombie. I guess that’s what drew me to this line of research. It’s not just about the survival of the human race; it’s also about preventing as much pain as possible for the unfortunate families of the victims.

It didn’t take much to convince the government that the old prison was the perfect place to conduct our research. It would be hard to refute really. It’s already set up with a hospital, a fenced in yard and plenty of holding cells for the subjects. Besides once you get past the ghosts, the old prison is actually kind of nice.

I admit I was scared after zombies outed themselves last year. Let’s face it; if you weren’t already one of them you were scared too. Until they made it illegal for a zombie to turn a human without prior approval we all thought it was the end. Then this research facility opened up and things started looking a whole lot better. So let’s get started. Please follow me into the lab.

What we discovered early on in our research was, once a person was attacked and their brain was consumed, the body would begin to liquefy and remove any trace of the victim’s DNA. That elimination of all evidence was how they were able to stay hidden for so long. It was also the key to solving the problem with identifying our dead. We’ve developed a serum that stops the rapid decomposition process and allows us to pull dental records before the bodies are reduced to a festering puddle.

That was step one. Step two, well, that’s a bit more of a challenge. It seems that zombies, like vampires, can go a while without feeding and still maintain some self control. We all know what happens if they go too long without eating anything, but not many folks know zombies can subsist on human flesh too. It’s a sort of in-between-meals snack, if you will. We’ve been able to grow human flesh for quite a while now. Used primarily for burn victims, the process is slow and not at all efficient enough to supply the world zombie population with enough flesh to slow the zombie’s need for brains. Using an advanced growth process developed here in this lab we have successfully decreased the time needed to grow skin cells. We are now able to harvest one pound of skin from each donor every three weeks. Still not efficient enough but we estimate we will be able to double the amount of harvestable skin by the end of the month. Exciting! If you will all just follow me into the next room.

Now to the reason you are all here. Today we are conducting our first trial of artificial human brains. As you can see our subject is securely locked in her cell and appears quite hungry. We have not in fact feed this particular zombie for seven days. Our paid lab assistant will be entering the cell and will, hopefully, exit unharmed. As you can see, Mr. Johnson is ready to enter. He is wearing the brain helmet 2000. It fastens securely under his chin to prevent accidental removal. The helmet is reminiscent of the 1950’s football helmet. It is constructed from chew resistant leather and is available in several fashionable colors. The artificial brain matter is coated on the outside of the helmet.

Johnson, if you would now enter the cell. There she goes. She has Johnson’s head clutched firmly in her grasp. There! She’s eating the artificial… Oh Dear. Johnson? Johnson! It appears that the chew resistant leather is not quite thick enough to stop a ravenous zombie. Well, in about 30 minutes you all will get a chance to witness how our serum impedes the liquefaction process of a post zombie attack. Let’s move down to cell two, where Mr. Davidson is sporting a fiberglass model.

Davidson, you’re up. Davidson? Where the hell is Davidson? Jenkins, it’s you then. No, just strap it on. Mrs. Jenkins is sporting a fiberglass model and is now ready to enter the cell of this hungry zombie.

There she goes. The zombie has her head. Oh! Good God.

Here ends the tour. Thank you all for coming. We have metal helmets still in the design stage and will be testing them in about a month or so. Those of you interested in the serum demonstration can follow me, the rest of you be sure to follow the exit signs as I can assure you this is no place to get lost.”

Author’s note: Any volunteers for the metal helmet? Once again this weeks prompt is courtesy A wonderful and supportive group of writers. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think of this little bit of ridiculousness.

23 thoughts on “Brain Helmet 2000

  1. 🙂

    I am sorry you haven’t been well, but with writing like this I am not too quick to wish you a speedy recovery.

    More, please.

  2. I hope you feel better, but not too better if this is what comes out of your feverish brain.

    Heh. I said “brain”.

    I love zombie humor. And hell to the no on the volunteer thing, kthnxbai.

    Great job!

  3. This is my first visit and participation in #fridayflash, so I don’t know what you normally write, but I have to say I really enjoyed this. It’s hard to find a new angle on zombies, but you’ve done so here…with humor, no less. Love it.

  4. Like Jen I must admit I am not usually a fan of horror or zombies, but your story kept me reading. You started out so matter-of-fact that I could sense something was coming!

    And sorry Chris, but no, I don’t want to volunteer. On the upside, Mrs. Jenkins will never have to worry about hat hair again… and surely you are feeling better now?

  5. I’m encouraging all #FridayFlash bloggers to make their comments follow instead of nofollow. It just encourages more people to comment on blogs if they get a little Google Juice.

  6. I was away and just started reading the fiction. I LOVE zombie stories, and this one was quite amusing. I hope that you’re feeling better, and I won’t raise my hand and volunteer anytime soon 🙂

  7. Pingback: Twitter Trackbacks for » Brain Helmet 2000 [] on

  8. Chris, this was a great story. The narrator’s voice, and the humor injected into the story, carried this thing all the way through. I’m also impressed by how you delt with the gore–there, but not in explicit detail. Well done, bro. Well done.

  9. “…will be entering the cell and will, hopefully, exit unharmed”

    Hopefully? Hopefully??

    I’m afraid the pay’s not nearly enough. Great fun, this story. I loved the matter-of-fact narrator voice.

    Well done – keep takin’ those meds.

  10. Chris, you’re a nut. I loved the tone on this. I’m not a fan of horror, but your humorous tone made me enjoy this greatly. Very clever idea and nicely done. Unfortunately (for you) being sick is apparently good for you.

  11. Pingback: Friday Fiction: The Inspiration | Wordwebbing | Literary Home of Annetta Ribken

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *