Coming To America

My Darling Isabella,

Our captain, Christopher Columbus is a blithering idiot. In the time we have sailed I have not seen him make a single decision that could be even remotely construed as smart. How he convinced the royal court to fund this exploration is beyond my comprehension. I’m beginning to think my beloved Queen sent him off in hopes that he may never return. Despite my many attempts to convince him that he has indeed discovered new lands, he continues to insist we have landed in the Indies. I have proved his calculations regarding the circumference of the Earth are incorrect by approximately 7600 miles, yet he refuses to face the obvious, choosing instead to ignore the facts and mulishly push forward.

After many months at sea, we made landfall in the new land. Columbus pig headedly insists this is the West Indies. The Natives, whom we call Indians, having never seen ships the likes of ours, thought the small trinkets we carried came from the gods. Textiles fascinate them, so our captain decided to leave them with all the blankets that were used to cover our dead crew members. Unfortunately for the Indians those particular crew members died from small pox. Balance seems to have been restored since several of the crew have contracted syphilis.

Our idiot captain demanded we scour the land for treasure. We brought back quite a bit of new and exciting plant species that would, with proper cultivation yield Spain, many riches. I personally have discovered a new type of grape that appears to grow in most soils. Columbus, narrow mindedly, decided that we should only concentrate on gold, jewels and spices. I would be inclined to agree, if not for the fact that there simply isn’t any treasure here. Yet more proof of his miscalculations. As with everything else it is summarily ignored.

We have put back to sea to return to Spain. We are basically returning empty handed. Columbus still thinks we made land fall on the West Indies and quite frankly I am tired of trying to convince him otherwise. I have decided to requisition a lifeboat just before we return and partition my Queen to allow me to lead a return voyage. I believe I can make a strong case based on my botanical drawings alone. One fact is certain, should I be granted leave to return I will take credit for discovering the new land.

It has been a while since I have had a chance to continue this letter. In that time I have hatched a cunning plan. Tonight I will attempt a daring escape. I’ll wait until early morning to slip over the rail and lower the lifeboat. I should make landfall by noon the next day. I pray the tides are with me.

Dear God that man is a complete ninny. I was caught making my escape by a crewman in the crows nest. The captain declared my act mutinous. I was sentenced to be set adrift in a lifeboat. I almost feel bad for him. I shall await you at the royal court.

Your servant,

Amerigo Vespucci.

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