Coming To America

My Darling Isabella,

Our captain, Christopher Columbus is a blithering idiot. In the time we have sailed I have not seen him make a single decision that could be even remotely construed as smart. How he convinced the royal court to fund this exploration is beyond my comprehension. I’m beginning to think my beloved Queen sent him off in hopes that he may never return. Despite my many attempts to convince him that he has indeed discovered new lands, he continues to insist we have landed in the Indies. I have proved his calculations regarding the circumference of the Earth are incorrect by approximately 7600 miles, yet he refuses to face the obvious, choosing instead to ignore the facts and mulishly push forward.

After many months at sea, we made landfall in the new land. Columbus pig headedly insists this is the West Indies. The Natives, whom we call Indians, having never seen ships the likes of ours, thought the small trinkets we carried came from the gods. Textiles fascinate them, so our captain decided to leave them with all the blankets that were used to cover our dead crew members. Unfortunately for the Indians those particular crew members died from small pox. Balance seems to have been restored since several of the crew have contracted syphilis.

Our idiot captain demanded we scour the land for treasure. We brought back quite a bit of new and exciting plant species that would, with proper cultivation yield Spain, many riches. I personally have discovered a new type of grape that appears to grow in most soils. Columbus, narrow mindedly, decided that we should only concentrate on gold, jewels and spices. I would be inclined to agree, if not for the fact that there simply isn’t any treasure here. Yet more proof of his miscalculations. As with everything else it is summarily ignored.

We have put back to sea to return to Spain. We are basically returning empty handed. Columbus still thinks we made land fall on the West Indies and quite frankly I am tired of trying to convince him otherwise. I have decided to requisition a lifeboat just before we return and partition my Queen to allow me to lead a return voyage. I believe I can make a strong case based on my botanical drawings alone. One fact is certain, should I be granted leave to return I will take credit for discovering the new land.

It has been a while since I have had a chance to continue this letter. In that time I have hatched a cunning plan. Tonight I will attempt a daring escape. I’ll wait until early morning to slip over the rail and lower the lifeboat. I should make landfall by noon the next day. I pray the tides are with me.

Dear God that man is a complete ninny. I was caught making my escape by a crewman in the crows nest. The captain declared my act mutinous. I was sentenced to be set adrift in a lifeboat. I almost feel bad for him. I shall await you at the royal court.

Your servant,

Amerigo Vespucci.

I’m Green Because I Hate You.

Hey it’s Earth Day. Happy Earth Day. Wow, Earth Day. It seems like only yesterday it was Earth Day. I’m working under the assumption (as are most people, apparently) that simply acknowledging Earth Day will somehow make any kind of difference. It seems to me that the best way to help the Earth is to not go green. This may even be the shortest route to world peace. Follow my logic here. If we all started leaving our lights on, cranking the heat/air conditioning up and driving ridiculously large SUVs then together we could deplete the world’s oil supply, thereby forcing clean energy into the forefront. Aren’t we fighting a war for oil now, or was it terrorism? I can’t remember, never mind. We can’t fight over something that isn’t there. Current protest strategies by individuals, small interest groups and grassroots efforts will never change big oil. There is simply too much money in the oil business for them to care about popular opinion. So let’s beat them at their own game. Consume the product so voraciously that it just goes away.

Aright, calm down. I know I’m over simplifying this and yes, I know that just about everything in our modern world including agriculture, food manufacturing, medicine, the economy etc, etc, is based around oil. I also know it’s not feasible for us to burn all the oil that’s left on the planet just by driving more and turning up the heat. Can’t you people recognize satire for crying out loud?

OK, you’re breathing normally again? Let’s continue. There are a lot of interesting articles floating around the internet concerning peak oil.  Read them. They are actually quite interesting. It doesn’t help that a lot of the good information initially was given by a bunch of activist eco-dinks. You know the type; they mean well but are so impassioned about their ideology that they feel compelled to stand in your personal space while they espouse their rhetoric. All the while looking slightly confused as to why you aren’t signing any of the 12 partitions they have on their clipboards which are conveniently equipped with a piece of hemp twine tied to a soy-based ink pen. You just want to stuff their esophagus with granola bars to shut them up for ten seconds and seriously explain to them that many people find the smell of Patchouli slightly off-putting. They are actually getting in they way of the message they are trying to give. In fairness to the eco-dinks, many people, myself included, actually agree with many of the points they are trying to make. Here is a sad reality that many of us learned long ago: you have to fit into society for society to listen to you. Fortunately there are some legitimate news programs and shows hosted by celebrities and experts, like on the Planet Green network, that are starting to get noticed and gain real credibility. Oh yeah, didn’t Al Gore make a documentary about something important?

Despite my angst and cynicism, when it’s all said and done I just can’t help myself. Doing things that are good for the environment makes me feel good. Besides, you know as well as I do that it’s not money which moves us into action, but inconvenience. Until it is a real pain in the ass for us we won’t demand any sort of changes. “Experts” say it won’t be a pain in the ass for us for about 50 years so screw it. We’ll just bury our heads in the oil soaked sand and wait it out. Despite how much I want to despoil our resources so we are forced into the inconvenience that will start changing things for the better I just can’t bring myself to do it. I guess the ends don’t justify the means after all. So there you have it, plant a tree, recycle, drive big cars and leave your lights on. Oh, and happy Earth Day.

It’s Almost Done!

Yowza!  It sure has taken a ton of time to get our new site ready to launch.  Thanks for Holding on.  I say that like there are a thousands of people clamoring about wondering when will finally be ready.  Well, I’m going blind so give me a break for cryin’ out loud.

We would love to hear from people interestd in contributing to the site.  We are currently  looking for submissions in the following categories:

  • Short Stories
  • Humor/Satire
  • Flash Fiction
  • Poetry

I’m sure we will ad more categories as time goes by.  If you have a suggestion for other genres please let us know.  More detailed submission details will be posted as the site continues to develop.

So thank you again for being interested in what we have to offer and please pop back once or twice and see what’s new.